Sunday, February 21, 2010

Yes, the microwave oven CAN entirely light on fire

Okay readers, this story is to good to keep from you. Although it did not happen to me I was witness to this hilarious kitchen disasster. My client is also learning to cook, and I promised I would come over and give her some pointers on healthy eating (yeah, the poor girl is taking cooking tips from me...oy). Caroline absolutely loves her microwave and I have been trying to teach her how to use the stove microwaves destroy food nutrients.

She goes, "no no, look what it can do", and attempts proving to me how fabulous her microwave is by stuffing everything but the kitchen sink in it. Well, I guess she bought the Cosco brand because after a number of uses the ENTIRE MICROWAVE lights on fire. NOT just the inside, THE WHOLE THING!! I'm freakin out, trying to find water, a towel, something. Well, don't you know Caroline picks the damn thing up (which is ON FIRE might I add) runs to the back door and hoofs it into the snow. I don't think my eyes could have bugged further out of my head. I was speechless.

Can you imagine if you were Caroline's neighbour, just minding your own business in your back yard, when a wailing banchee throws a flaming microwave out the back door. It's a surprise I didn't die of a heart attack when I saw it. I think I laughed for like 20 minutes afterwards. And the funniest thing was her nonchallantness. It was like it happened every day.

When she walked back into the kitchen she said, "okay then, what's next". I didn't even have an answer, so I reached for the cutting board and said "smokin hot chicken chili".


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Fruit explosion

Hello fellow readers. My apologies for my absence. I have actually entered the work force and have been crazy busy...whoo! But don't worry, I have been making an ass of myself in the kitchen all the while. Take this one for example.

Because I work such long hours with little time for eating smoothies are a great way to get in all my nutrients. Chewing is overrated anyway ;) Well, the other day I was in a mad rush to make it to work on time. And if you know me at all I was trying to do 5 things at once, including making a mixed berry smoothie. I'm throwing in the protein, the frozen berries, some ground flaxseed. I like to add a lot of ice so that it's super thick, but of course this involves a quite rigourous mixing on the part of my blender. I usually have the blender working so hard its smoking by the end of it. You laugh, but I'm serious. So anyways, the ice seemed to be stuck in the blender so I stick a spoon in it to mix it up. Well, of course my dog Roxy jumped up to grab my chicken off the counter at the exact same moment and diverted my attention. Well, not only did the spoon fall into the blender, my smoothie shot up like a volcano and splattered all over my ceiling. But the spoon was still stuck causing the blender to teeter back and forth on the base. Just as I dove in to turn off the blender it shot off the base, splattered all over the wall, my face, and my clothes.

I looked up and burst out laughing. It looked like a blueberry pie factory exploded in my kitchen. So with smoothie dripping down my face I reached for the mop and got to work on the wall. It's a week later and I still have smoothie stuck on the ceiling. I think I'm just gonna go with a granola bar tomorrow ;)

Sarah xoxo

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Calling Out Anonymous

I would like to apologize to everyone reading this. This post is directed to a lovely human being who commented on my post yesterday.

First off, I really don't care who reads this is meant as a means to keep me healthy. Second, the fact that you are publically insulting me on a site where I express my vulnerabilities...classy. I am challenging you a man and at least send me an e-mail to explain what you If you are so terribly upset tell me straight. Don't make trivial comments. Who knows, maybe if you have the balls to express yourself I'll send you some of my famous chocolate cookies...or my boyfriend could steal some from you ;)

To everyone else, tomorrow I'll explain why I spent the afternoon tipie-toed on a stool mopping the ceiling.

Sarah xoxo

Friday, February 5, 2010

Stomach flu and $0 in my bank account = one hungry Sarah

Holy Crap!! I have figured out the best and fastest way to lose weight...POVERTY! Property taxes came out of my account unexpectedly and I was left with -$0 in my account. And of course this fell on grocery shopping day. Oy. I had a twenty in my pocket and that got me M&M's chicken breasts and some oatmeal. Oh, what a sad sight my lunch box has been. I have a new respect for the fitness models who eat the same old boring chicken & rice every single day for months.

Oh, and get this. I even screwed chicken breasts up. I was pissed that I only got like 2 meals a day so I just shoved the chicken breasts on a pan and shot it in the oven. Well, I forgot to put aluminum foil down and it burned & stuck the the stupid. pan. Great...make that 1 meal today...ugh!

And then I get the flu...the only thing I could stomach was Starbucks Tea Mizo's (a copywritten form of tea latte). Good thing I can flirt my way into making boys pay things for me ;) Thank you boys from work! Actually, I just threatened to throw up on them if they did by me tea...hehe.

It got so bad the last couple of days...I went through all THREE boxes of stale cereal...ew, chicken broth, salsa, and canned salmon. My idea was that I would eat as much oatmeal in the morning as possible that my stomach would be so full that I couldn't even think about eating til dinner...wrong. Not to readers...eating copious amounts of oatmeal is NOT A GOOD IDEA. I have never experienced something like that before. After the biggest poop of my life I felt so heavy and full I could barely move. Oh, and I was so full I think I did puke just because of that. Perhaps I didn't have the stomach flu I was just puking up 4lbs of oat bran. I went through the rice, the barley, I mean I didn't even have sucked!

But, I think I lost 2 pounds. But as soon as the paycheck comes in I feel as though I deserve enough chocolate to make up for it. That is if the government lets me keep my money this time...bastards. A new meaning for Fat Cats...they have all of our food money.

Sarah xoxo