Sunday, February 21, 2010

Yes, the microwave oven CAN entirely light on fire

Okay readers, this story is to good to keep from you. Although it did not happen to me I was witness to this hilarious kitchen disasster. My client is also learning to cook, and I promised I would come over and give her some pointers on healthy eating (yeah, the poor girl is taking cooking tips from me...oy). Caroline absolutely loves her microwave and I have been trying to teach her how to use the stove microwaves destroy food nutrients.

She goes, "no no, look what it can do", and attempts proving to me how fabulous her microwave is by stuffing everything but the kitchen sink in it. Well, I guess she bought the Cosco brand because after a number of uses the ENTIRE MICROWAVE lights on fire. NOT just the inside, THE WHOLE THING!! I'm freakin out, trying to find water, a towel, something. Well, don't you know Caroline picks the damn thing up (which is ON FIRE might I add) runs to the back door and hoofs it into the snow. I don't think my eyes could have bugged further out of my head. I was speechless.

Can you imagine if you were Caroline's neighbour, just minding your own business in your back yard, when a wailing banchee throws a flaming microwave out the back door. It's a surprise I didn't die of a heart attack when I saw it. I think I laughed for like 20 minutes afterwards. And the funniest thing was her nonchallantness. It was like it happened every day.

When she walked back into the kitchen she said, "okay then, what's next". I didn't even have an answer, so I reached for the cutting board and said "smokin hot chicken chili".


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Fruit explosion

Hello fellow readers. My apologies for my absence. I have actually entered the work force and have been crazy busy...whoo! But don't worry, I have been making an ass of myself in the kitchen all the while. Take this one for example.

Because I work such long hours with little time for eating smoothies are a great way to get in all my nutrients. Chewing is overrated anyway ;) Well, the other day I was in a mad rush to make it to work on time. And if you know me at all I was trying to do 5 things at once, including making a mixed berry smoothie. I'm throwing in the protein, the frozen berries, some ground flaxseed. I like to add a lot of ice so that it's super thick, but of course this involves a quite rigourous mixing on the part of my blender. I usually have the blender working so hard its smoking by the end of it. You laugh, but I'm serious. So anyways, the ice seemed to be stuck in the blender so I stick a spoon in it to mix it up. Well, of course my dog Roxy jumped up to grab my chicken off the counter at the exact same moment and diverted my attention. Well, not only did the spoon fall into the blender, my smoothie shot up like a volcano and splattered all over my ceiling. But the spoon was still stuck causing the blender to teeter back and forth on the base. Just as I dove in to turn off the blender it shot off the base, splattered all over the wall, my face, and my clothes.

I looked up and burst out laughing. It looked like a blueberry pie factory exploded in my kitchen. So with smoothie dripping down my face I reached for the mop and got to work on the wall. It's a week later and I still have smoothie stuck on the ceiling. I think I'm just gonna go with a granola bar tomorrow ;)

Sarah xoxo

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Calling Out Anonymous

I would like to apologize to everyone reading this. This post is directed to a lovely human being who commented on my post yesterday.

First off, I really don't care who reads this is meant as a means to keep me healthy. Second, the fact that you are publically insulting me on a site where I express my vulnerabilities...classy. I am challenging you a man and at least send me an e-mail to explain what you If you are so terribly upset tell me straight. Don't make trivial comments. Who knows, maybe if you have the balls to express yourself I'll send you some of my famous chocolate cookies...or my boyfriend could steal some from you ;)

To everyone else, tomorrow I'll explain why I spent the afternoon tipie-toed on a stool mopping the ceiling.

Sarah xoxo

Friday, February 5, 2010

Stomach flu and $0 in my bank account = one hungry Sarah

Holy Crap!! I have figured out the best and fastest way to lose weight...POVERTY! Property taxes came out of my account unexpectedly and I was left with -$0 in my account. And of course this fell on grocery shopping day. Oy. I had a twenty in my pocket and that got me M&M's chicken breasts and some oatmeal. Oh, what a sad sight my lunch box has been. I have a new respect for the fitness models who eat the same old boring chicken & rice every single day for months.

Oh, and get this. I even screwed chicken breasts up. I was pissed that I only got like 2 meals a day so I just shoved the chicken breasts on a pan and shot it in the oven. Well, I forgot to put aluminum foil down and it burned & stuck the the stupid. pan. Great...make that 1 meal today...ugh!

And then I get the flu...the only thing I could stomach was Starbucks Tea Mizo's (a copywritten form of tea latte). Good thing I can flirt my way into making boys pay things for me ;) Thank you boys from work! Actually, I just threatened to throw up on them if they did by me tea...hehe.

It got so bad the last couple of days...I went through all THREE boxes of stale cereal...ew, chicken broth, salsa, and canned salmon. My idea was that I would eat as much oatmeal in the morning as possible that my stomach would be so full that I couldn't even think about eating til dinner...wrong. Not to readers...eating copious amounts of oatmeal is NOT A GOOD IDEA. I have never experienced something like that before. After the biggest poop of my life I felt so heavy and full I could barely move. Oh, and I was so full I think I did puke just because of that. Perhaps I didn't have the stomach flu I was just puking up 4lbs of oat bran. I went through the rice, the barley, I mean I didn't even have sucked!

But, I think I lost 2 pounds. But as soon as the paycheck comes in I feel as though I deserve enough chocolate to make up for it. That is if the government lets me keep my money this time...bastards. A new meaning for Fat Cats...they have all of our food money.

Sarah xoxo

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Don't put your homemade granola bars in the freezer, unless you wanna break your Heinkel knives

I decided I needed a challenge from chicken and rice so I tried out a granola bar recipe. Oh, how I learned a couple of lessons with this one.

1) Baking does NOT have room for ingredient substitutions. If you don't have what the recipe calls for, or enough of it...get some. Do not try to substitute with random things in your cupboard. Doesn't work.

2) If the recipe calls for milk, water does not take it's place

3) If the recipe calls for honey do not try to substitute for some healthy altrenative. It does not work.

Today I made these yummy-sounding chocolate protein granola bars. When I think of granola I think of a modge-podge of nuts, oats, and dried fruit. I kinda always thought you could throw anything into a bowl, add liquid, stir, and shape. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I traded the flour for protein powder, the honey for stevia and water, and the nuts for flaxseeds. Oh boy, you can imagine that they did not exactly turn out like the picture. And since there was so much water in the bars, when I went to put them in the freezer they completely froze. Sometimes cutting calories can be a health hazard. I was desparate to try this chocolate miracle but I couldn't break it into pieces. I'm banging it on the counter, against the cupboards, and stabbed it repeatedly with my $100 knives...only to break the damn knife. You'd have died to seen me pick up the whole piece and bite the corner off. I'm surprised I didn't break a tooth.

Oh, but were they tasty. I mean, not in a Nature's Valley, artificial sugary, sort-of-way, but in a I-busted-my-butt-to-make-these-healthy-granola-bars-so-I-better-like-them sort of way. It was the taste of success.

On another note, I have to admit that I had a major set back. Friday I had a meltdown at the gym. Usually I can keep the tears back until I get home but not then. As I stared at my not-so-perfect body in the mirror I couldn't help but be washed away by the floods of self-judgement. I KNOW I'm healthy, I KNOW my body is still adjusting. When does this end?? Why can't I look in the mirror and always like what I see. It's a constant roller coaster, some days I'm happy, some days I'm sad. I always feel like I need to change my self in some improve myself, to be better. But for who, and why? These are the questions I struggle with every day.

Thank you all for keeping me going. The battle continues...xoxo

Monday, January 25, 2010

Really, you like it?!

So yesterday I made a fabulous Beef & Sweet Potato stir-fry. I fried up the beef, cooked the potatoes & green beans and threw it all together. It was the easiest recipe I've ever made, almost too easy. I took a big bite. Crap! Had I missed the section on taste? I was serving this beef to other people in minutes and it didn't taste like anything! I'm rummaging through my fridge trying to think of something that would make it taste better. Soy sauce? Nope. Cinnamon? Nope. I literally added 5more ingredients to the stir-fry. It was starting to look more like stir-fry sludge than stew. At one point I actually thought that balsamic vinegar would balance out the newly acquired didn't :(

My guests were eagerly awaiting my new meal...oy. So, I plated up the food. To my amazement my guests actually liked it. Although one guy said the beef tasted like shoe leather. I have two comments for that, no, make it three. A) WHAT! I thought the beef was the saving grace of the whole meal. B) Who says things like that and C) I don't care what you think!!

It's funny. My attitude towards his comment is kind of like how I feel about my new body. Do I like it...not really. Is it healthy...yes. But I spent 9 years caring so much about what other people think of my that I put my self at risk. Now it's my turn. If you don't like my round butt, rosy cheeks, and cellulite (bleh)...I don't care. I like me and that's what counts.


Amazingly it tasted better

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Martha Stewart's got nothing on me

Readers, how I wish you could have seen me in the kitchen today. It was hilarious. I was a dynamo. Some days you win, some days you lose. Today I hit the jackpot!!

I'll set the scene. It's 7:45 in the morning and I just came back from spin class. I'm getting ready for work and realize that, "crap", I didn't make anything for my lunch today. I'm really working hard at eating regular healthy meals (not skipping meals like I normally would). I look at the clock...okay, so I've got like one hour to pull together an awesome meal and do everything else I have to do. Well I don't know what got into me but I felt like I was competing in the multi-tasking Olympics.

I'm racing around the kitchen like a mad woman. I'm choppin chicken, then I'm throwing clothes in the laundry. Then I'm dashing to the bathroom to do my hair. Back to stir the chicken and add the onions. Put the dogs out, do my make up. Cut veggies for the salad and the butternut squash for the stew. Running up and down the stairs folding laundry, putting away laundry...I think at one point I was even Windexing the mirrors (don't ask me why). Oh, and don't forget...I'm doing a million dishes :)

Still more chopping, stirring, get dressed, 'bing' dryer's done. Whoo, it was awesome. Somehow I managed to make a delicious Thai Coconut Curry Chicken Stew with salad. I rocked it!!

I realized I only had mere minutes to go so I threw on my oatmeal. I don't even think I chewed. I think I just swallowed (kinda like how my dog seems to inhale her food rather than chewing).

To all you girls out there...there is hope. If I can do this, so can you. I used to always be so worried about eating 'regular' meals again. Am I going to gain weight?? Aren't carbs going to make me fat?? Bleh.

I have always felt like I didn't fit in. Like I was always eating differently then everyone else. Other people seemed to have such a relaxed attitude about food while I was always so anxious about it. Now, for the first time in a long, long time, I can sit with my friends at lunch and enjoy a meal with them. I still get jibes for including every vegetable under the sun in my salad but that's okay, I can take it.

Have faith, have hope. If you need someone to listen I am always here. I have done every silly thing in the book...test me ;)

Tomorrow, COOKIES!! YES.