Don't put your homemade granola bars in the freezer, unless you wanna break your Heinkel knives

I decided I needed a challenge from chicken and rice so I tried out a granola bar recipe. Oh, how I learned a couple of lessons with this one.

1) Baking does NOT have room for ingredient substitutions. If you don't have what the recipe calls for, or enough of it...get some. Do not try to substitute with random things in your cupboard. Doesn't work.

2) If the recipe calls for milk, water does not take it's place

3) If the recipe calls for honey do not try to substitute for some healthy altrenative. It does not work.

Today I made these yummy-sounding chocolate protein granola bars. When I think of granola I think of a modge-podge of nuts, oats, and dried fruit. I kinda always thought you could throw anything into a bowl, add liquid, stir, and shape. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I traded the flour for protein powder, the honey for stevia and water, and the nuts for flaxseeds. Oh boy, you can imagine that they did not exactly turn out like the picture. And since there was so much water in the bars, when I went to put them in the freezer they completely froze. Sometimes cutting calories can be a health hazard. I was desparate to try this chocolate miracle but I couldn't break it into pieces. I'm banging it on the counter, against the cupboards, and stabbed it repeatedly with my $100 knives...only to break the damn knife. You'd have died to seen me pick up the whole piece and bite the corner off. I'm surprised I didn't break a tooth.

Oh, but were they tasty. I mean, not in a Nature's Valley, artificial sugary, sort-of-way, but in a I-busted-my-butt-to-make-these-healthy-granola-bars-so-I-better-like-them sort of way. It was the taste of success.

On another note, I have to admit that I had a major set back. Friday I had a meltdown at the gym. Usually I can keep the tears back until I get home but not then. As I stared at my not-so-perfect body in the mirror I couldn't help but be washed away by the floods of self-judgement. I KNOW I'm healthy, I KNOW my body is still adjusting. When does this end?? Why can't I look in the mirror and always like what I see. It's a constant roller coaster, some days I'm happy, some days I'm sad. I always feel like I need to change my self in some way...to improve myself, to be better. But for who, and why? These are the questions I struggle with every day.

Thank you all for keeping me going. The battle continues...xoxo

Really, you like it?!

So yesterday I made a fabulous Beef & Sweet Potato stir-fry. I fried up the beef, cooked the potatoes & green beans and threw it all together. It was the easiest recipe I've ever made, almost too easy. I took a big bite. Crap! Had I missed the section on taste? I was serving this beef to other people in minutes and it didn't taste like anything! I'm rummaging through my fridge trying to think of something that would make it taste better. Soy sauce? Nope. Cinnamon? Nope. I literally added 5more ingredients to the stir-fry. It was starting to look more like stir-fry sludge than stew. At one point I actually thought that balsamic vinegar would balance out the newly acquired flavours...it didn't :(

My guests were eagerly awaiting my new meal...oy. So, I plated up the food. To my amazement my guests actually liked it. Although one guy said the beef tasted like shoe leather. I have two comments for that, no, make it three. A) WHAT! I thought the beef was the saving grace of the whole meal. B) Who says things like that and C) I don't care what you think!!

It's funny. My attitude towards his comment is kind of like how I feel about my new body. Do I like it...not really. Is it healthy...yes. But I spent 9 years caring so much about what other people think of my that I put my self at risk. Now it's my turn. If you don't like my round butt, rosy cheeks, and cellulite (bleh)...I don't care. I like me and that's what counts.

Love,
Sarah

Amazingly it tasted better

Martha Stewart's got nothing on me

Readers, how I wish you could have seen me in the kitchen today. It was hilarious. I was a dynamo. Some days you win, some days you lose. Today I hit the jackpot!!

I'll set the scene. It's 7:45 in the morning and I just came back from spin class. I'm getting ready for work and realize that, "crap", I didn't make anything for my lunch today. I'm really working hard at eating regular healthy meals (not skipping meals like I normally would). I look at the clock...okay, so I've got like one hour to pull together an awesome meal and do everything else I have to do. Well I don't know what got into me but I felt like I was competing in the multi-tasking Olympics.

I'm racing around the kitchen like a mad woman. I'm choppin chicken, then I'm throwing clothes in the laundry. Then I'm dashing to the bathroom to do my hair. Back to stir the chicken and add the onions. Put the dogs out, do my make up. Cut veggies for the salad and the butternut squash for the stew. Running up and down the stairs folding laundry, putting away laundry...I think at one point I was even Windexing the mirrors (don't ask me why). Oh, and don't forget...I'm doing a million dishes :)

Still more chopping, stirring, get dressed, 'bing' dryer's done. Whoo, it was awesome. Somehow I managed to make a delicious Thai Coconut Curry Chicken Stew with salad. I rocked it!!

I realized I only had mere minutes to go so I threw on my oatmeal. I don't even think I chewed. I think I just swallowed (kinda like how my dog seems to inhale her food rather than chewing).

To all you girls out there...there is hope. If I can do this, so can you. I used to always be so worried about eating 'regular' meals again. Am I going to gain weight?? Aren't carbs going to make me fat?? Bleh.

I have always felt like I didn't fit in. Like I was always eating differently then everyone else. Other people seemed to have such a relaxed attitude about food while I was always so anxious about it. Now, for the first time in a long, long time, I can sit with my friends at lunch and enjoy a meal with them. I still get jibes for including every vegetable under the sun in my salad but that's okay, I can take it.

Have faith, have hope. If you need someone to listen I am always here. I have done every silly thing in the book...test me ;)

Tomorrow, COOKIES!! YES.

Sarah vs. the food processor...winner...the food processor :(

Today was a kitchen day from hell. Let me set the scene for you. This morning I get up and collect all the ingredients for turkey cabbage rolls. I'm pumped. I arrive home, put the groceries on the counter and put away my coat. I get distracted by the phone and wind up chatting for half an hour or so. Well, when I come back to the kitchen my dog Roxy has managed to eat all of the RAW chicken breasts, half the tomatoes, and 2 of my Tupperware containers. AGH!!! I act surprised but I shouldn't be. The little brat has certainly consumed her fair share of my food before.

I shoo Roxy outside and head back to the grocery store and get the ingredients again. For some reason I wind up at the same teller. The lady gives me a "what are you doing back here look". I don't feel like going into it so I just smile and pay.

In the kitchen: Folks, it just goes down hill from here. First I break a bowl, the my Corningware dish. Deep breath...okay. I put the rice on. Next the recipe says to boil water and put head of cabbage in colander. Then pour the hot water over the cabbage to soften up the leaves so they are pliable. FYI Clean Eating...this TOTALLY doesn't work. I go through leaf after leaf of cabbage. Crap! The all keep breaking. So I do my best and put it aside.

I couldn't find ground chicken at the store so I bought breasts and decided to try out my brand new food processor. I figured it could chop that bad boy up into pieces. Note to reader...DO NOT try to assemble your food processor the day you are making the meal. I have all the damn pieces scattered over my kitchen floor and I'm reading the directions. Why the hell do these things never make sense. It's written in a whole different kind of English. I'm sticking things in all kinds of holes, putting pieces together like a puzzle. It's a mess. 10 minutes later I realize I'm missing a piece (I think), I'm bleeding, and tears are rolling down my checks. I am going to kick some Kitchen Aid ass once I can just pull myself together. Low Point.

Screw it. I shoved all the pieces into the cupboard and took out my sharpest knife. That's right, I pulled up my Tristan & America apron and cut the stupid chicken into minuscule pieces by hand.

Oh crap, the rice. Hallelujah, I didn't burn it. So now, chicken goes into the pan along with the onions. 5 minutes later in go the tomatoes. By this point I am exhausted and I thank my lucky stars that I decided to buy tomato sauce instead of following the recipe and making it myself. After I've mixed the rice and turkey mixture together I attempt to put it into cabbage packages. OMG I wish you all could have been there for this. Apparently I must have gotten the bargain brand toothpicks b/c they were utterly useless. By the end of it I was layering cabbage, turkey and rice. Lastly I put on the tomato sauce and shoved it in the oven.

I flopped down onto my chair glad it was all over...until I sat back up and realized...f@%k...I had all the dished to do.

So now the cabbage rolls (?) are in the oven, the dishes are done and I'm listen to Mylie Cyrus belt out 'It's the Climb' on the radio. You have got to be kidding me, it the climb? Apparently this kid has never had to cook before.

Note to self...call Kitchen Aid and give them a piece of your mind tomorrow. Smile!

Sarah xoxo

Crap! I forgot to mention all the good things...

First off, thank you so much for all of your outpourings of love. I am so blessed. Your support keeps me motivated.

Second, my Dad made a fabulous comment about my last entry. It was so DREARY! I totally forgot to mention all the fabulous things about not being anorexic anymore; about being healthy.

- For the first time in 9 years I went to a restaurant and ordered off the menu...without getting tense, without freaking out that there was a little too much dressing, that is wasn't super healthy. When the meal came I just took a deep breath and enjoyed every delicious morsel.

- I can sleep in some days b/c I don't NEED to do 3 hours workouts everyday. If I miss a day I move on. I don't let it freak me out b/c I am doing more harm to my body physiologically by stressing out about not working out then if I had actually gone.

- I can, and do, eat chocolate. Delectable, rich, dark, organic chocolate. God...for this one reason alone I can never go back to not eating.

- For the first time since I've known my step-family I ate Christmas dinner with them.

- I can have a glass of wine now and again. Before I would never drink b/c it had too many calories. A occational glass of red wine never killed anyone.

- THIS ONE IS THE BEST!! I am not cold all the time. Before I had like 0 body fat. Now that I'm somewhat insulated I can go out in winter and not turn into a fat-free popsicle.

- I can eat carbohydrates!! OOOHH brown rice, beans, quinoa, manna bread, how I love you.

- I have rosy cheeks again.

- I can shop at stores other than baby Gap.

- I have quite a fabulous ass! Yes, I am totally in love with my perky, round butt!!

- And for all those health reasons...I have gotten my menstral cycle again, I will not get osteoporosis, I will not get a heart murmer, I no longer have brittle nails and hair, I will not die early, etc...

- And most of all, it is awesome not being anorexic anymore b/c I get to wake up every day, look in the mirror and say "Damn girl, you did it! You're doing it!!...............now get yourself a piece of chocolate".

Sarah xoxo

The White Elephant

I have been getting a lot of questions about why I have started a blog about recovering from anorexia. I had to think about it for a while and there is no simple answer. There are really a million reasons...Crap, I feel super vulnerable right now but here goes

- b/c every time I look at my new body in the mirror I hate what I see
- b/c I never feel good enough
- b/c most of my self-worth is wrapped up in how I look
- b/c even though people tell me how beautiful and healthy I look I think I'm fat
- b/c I feel uncomfortable being around people in my new body
- b/c none of my clothes fit but the idea of going to the store and putting on clothes destroys me
- b/c thinking about my body, exercising, and what I'm eating (or not eating) is a full time job
- b/c I desperately want to stop feeling this way
- b/c I don't know anyone else who truly understands how I feel
- b/c I NEVER WANT ANYONE ELSE TO SUFFER FROM THE PAIN THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH
- b/c I know my body is a gift from God and that I should treasure being healthy
- and I guess lastly b/c I am desperately sad...b/c I wish I could look in the mirror and be proud of who I am...b/c I feel like an absolute failure...b/c I am tired of crying...and b/c my soul aches...it literally literally aches

Because I DO NOT want my future children to feel how I feel...period.

Please send this blog to as many people as you know. Please help me uncover the beast that is sweeping through our nation. If you are starving yourself from essential nutrients in the attempts to 'look better' you have an eating disorder. Please help me spread the message that 'you are beautiful and you are loved'.

Thank you.

Sarah xoxo

The Meatloaf Monster

So I decided to go with Turkey Meatloaf, however, when I got to the store I found out that organic, or "traditionally raised(?)" ground turkey is super expensive. And don't scoff, I may be eating "normal" food but I can be a snob about the ingredients if I want to.

The recipe suggested that you could use TVP (or textured vegetable protein) instead. As a recovering vegan I knew TVP well. The recipe called for 2 1/2 pounds of the stuff. This seemed slightly ridiculous to me and I only wound up buying half that.

In the Kitchen: I have one totally legitimate reason why being anorexic is better - IT'S EASIER!! You just don't eat, period. This whole cooking thing is nuts. I went through so many pots and pans that I had to wash two loads. The chopping, the sauteing, the mixing, measuring, cooking, agh!! It's enough to make you gag. Bleh.

I swear, it was one calamity after another. I put the TVP in a bowl and soaked it...man there sure did look like a lot there. Oh well. Then it was sauteing the onions. It said "be sure not to burn" and I didn't know if they meant the onions or my eyes. I was tearing so badly that my delicately crafted eye make-up was dripping down my face. Ugh! So I finally wilt down 12 cups of greens, put it into yet ANOTHER bowl and get ready to put it all together. Well, the recipe called for a loaf pan but I had WAAYYY too much TVP. I wound up needing a cake pan. Crikey, I could have fed a football team. I want to be healthy, not bursting out the seams.

And to top it off I forgot to add the onions...damn onions. I decided I could just throw them on top. Well, that turned into an interesting crusty topping.

But here I am, 2 hours later and I am eating the best tasting meatloaf I've ever had. And yes, it is my first ever meatloaf, but it still qualifies as best ever.

I may still be counting my calories, measuring my food, blah blah blah, but at least this stuff tastes amazing!!

$1000 kitchen apron

Hurrah, the elastic bands held the turkey together but did NOT melt. I feel as though I should call that "Slap It" veggie guy and tell him about my new invention.

Today was a one of the many in the ongoing battle. When you are recovering from anorexia your body decides to put body fat on in places that are the most inconvenient. Kind of a form of revenge I suppose. I realize I am still small but the nice little pockey of flesh around my belly is a new experience. Many days I hate it and curse my mirror (and my pants) but other days it feels quite jolly. Like today, when I ran down the stairs and felt the little jiggle around my mid-section. Almost like a little companion. Weird, I know, but weird is all I've got.

Lastest challenge: Going through my wardrobe and throwing out whatever doesn't fit...which is pretty much everything. I stand in morning as I look at the thousands of dollars worth of clothing in front of me. Ugh, this sucks. I grab my plastic bag and away I went. Finally I came to the black bag...my thousand dollar Tristan & America skirt suit. It still makes me drool a little to look at it. In a last ditch effort I put in on...wishing and hoping that maybe, just maybe it will fit. But after two minutes of grunting, tugging, and finally, swearing I give up.

I could feel the tears welling up inside of me. God, this still hurts to much. No, I was NOT going to give away the suit, I had a better idea. Kind of a 'screw you' to anorexia. So I ran downstairs, grabbed the kitchen scissors & my Canadian Tire sewing machine, and cut the skirt into a well deserved apron.

So, if you come for dinner you can see my thousand dollar apron and eat turkey that has been basted in elastic bands. Tomorrow, meatballs or meatloaf??

Recipe 1 - Turkey Breast with Leek and Oatmeal Stuffing
courtesy of The Eat-Clean Diet Cookbook

(Oy, my first day as a "normal eater" and I'm getting recipes from diet books)

1 tbsp. extra virgin olive oil
1/2 yellow onion, peeled and chopped
1 small leek, well rinsed and chopped (apparently all leek farmers don't wash them)
1/4 cup rolled oats
1/2 tsp dried sage
1/2 tsp dried rosemary
1/2 tsp dried thyme
Sea salt and black pepper
1 boneless, skinless turkey breast, approximately 3 pounds

*E-mail me if you want the recipe instructions

So I went to the store and tried to find everything on the list. I was good to go until I had to find the turkey. Damn Canadians. Everything was in kilograms. Okay, Sarah you work in a gym, what do the weights say. Right, 2.2 pounds for every kilogram. So I bought a 0.9 kg. turkey just in case. Of course, I didn't check to see if it was boneless, or skinless, so when I got home I had to navigate my way through trying to cut the bone off the breast without also not taking off my fingers.

I had everything cooking in the pan and was stuffing the turkey. I felt like such a Martha until I realized the one thing I forgot to get...string. Oh geez. So in a last ditch attempt to save the dish I kept the breast together using elastic bands. Hopefully they do not melt into the turkey.

The turkey is in the oven and I am awaiting my first "normal" meal. Oh, how my Grandma would be so proud...

Sarah xoxo

So, my name is Sarah and I am a recovering anorexic. I have spent 9 years of my life avoiding food at all cost and 1 year doing my best to love myself enough to eat and be healthy. I'm now entering year 2 of my recovery from an eating disorder and I have decided to enter the world of cooking and eating "normal" foods. Every second day or so I will try a new recipe.

This blog will follow my akward attempt releasing my control over food and try enjoying it instead. As an added bonus to anyone who reads this blog, I will add the fabulous recipes that I have created.

Here goes nothing...